Jesus Loves me this I know:)

Just the thought of the rawness of this post makes me want to cry but I'm tired of hiding. Depression overcame me these past few months. We always joke that I am "fertile myrtle" because rob breathes the wrong way and another Moore pops out. However sometimes this "blessing" that some see it as can bring way to much heartache to bare. In November I went to California with Robby and we picked up the Dodge. I had trouble with my pharmacy being back ordered in my birth control in October and ended up having to get it at another. Well I apparently got it too late. I was late about 2 weeks as I traveled in November. I started bleeding and bled for 8 days. I wasn't sure what was up because I had only been going about 3 days. I thought maybe it was just my body all screwed up but when I got home and talked it over with Rob we realized that we had lost a little life. I was sick to my stomach a lot of that trip and got car sick a couple times even though I was the only one driving. A few weeks later the realization hit me when my cycle returned to normal. There were other symptoms and indications but i really dont want to get that graphic. The hole that consumed me has been very hard to climb out of. I have had 2 other early miscarriages in our almost 10 years of marriage. We only told our mothers because of how painful they are. It only gets worse each time. Because that's one more child I won't feel kicking inside me. That's one more baby I won't get the pleasure of naming. Rob and I have cried over this one at night more times than any of the others. I honestly don't know why. Rob was open with me tonight and told me that we have only planned 1 pregnancy out of the 7. With us our children have all been in His timing because I was on or using birth control at the time of conception. He said that the # of children we get is all up to God. We can prevent all we want but ultimately it's up to Him. A lot of family has even kind of scorned at us because of having 4 and being poor. We can do what we can do but if God wants you to have a child he gives 1 to you wether you planned it or not. Unfortunately with all the "blessings" He has given us, have also come pain. I don't know what it's like to not be able to have a baby. Where I have one extreme that causes me heart ache I have members of my family who have the other extreme of not being able to conceive which is also causing heartache. I know they think they wish they had my problem but sometimes I wish it took a bit of effort to conceive because then I wouldn't have so much pain. If you are wondering when I had my other 2 losses, the first was right after I had Robby and the other was before Jason. I thank God for all 7 of my blessings. I just wonder sometimes what the reason is for the pain. Why put me through it all so many times? Why give them to me and take them away before I even know they are in existence. Why do I get something when others don't get anything? Why do they have to try so hard to conceive once when I have to try my hardest not to conceive? This time has been the hardest emotionally. I know I'll heal but that #7 is forever engraved on my heart. Am I writing this to get pitty? No I don't want phone calls or messages saying sorry just a silent prayer is good. I'm only venting and getting the rawness off my chest so I can move on. Sorry if you have noticed my blueness I've been trying to hide it but that is no longer working. Thank you for all your love and understanding.

And I will always love you!

Ok so I have always loved that song and knowing that one of my Dad's favorite movies is "The Body Guard", it always reminds me of him. During the weeks leading up to Valentines I hear that song a lot. I have carried on the tradition for my children that he started with my sisters and I a long time ago. Every Valentines day morning I woke up to a surprise at the foot of my bed. Most of the time it wasn't anything big a small box of chocolates and sometimes a balloon. It always said "Love Daddy". I never went one year with out a valentine because I always had my Daddy. He always made it special and having 4 daughters who always dreamed of the days of boyfriends, on that day he made it not so bad. I love that he did that because he took a holiday that was normally for significant others, and turned it into a reminder of how much we're loved just in our own families. I wish everyone had grown up with a Daddy like mine that way maybe Valentines day wouldn't be so sad for some people. Everyone can have a Valentine even if its a friend or your mom. It's about Love and not just one kind. Now I think I'm repaying him by passing on the tradition. I never thought of Valentines as a "Lovers" holiday growing up till in my teen years I just thought of it as the "Love" holiday and now I get to pass that on to my children.
That song and all the Red Hearts remind me of the ultimate love, that of Christ who gave his Life and shed His blood for all of us. Not only that but he rose again coming back to life. I know that this can be a depressing holiday for some of you that are single. However maybe you need a new out look. View this as a "love " holiday and if you have no family around to share it with use this day to bless someone that could use the Love of Christ. I love my husband and am glad for this day. But he's not the first reason I love this day. Christ is because he loved me first.

Thanks Dad!!! Happy Valentines Day!!!