Little ones to him belong they are weak but he is strong.
I'm gonna miss waking up to breakfast in bed and home made cards in the morning. I'm gonna miss the excitement and the love from my children. "Happy mommy's Day!" I'm grateful that I only have to work till 3 so that I can have the next 2 days to spend with my family. I am in love with my children.
Robby reminds me so much of my dad. His mannerisms, his dry humor, his leisurely pace that sometimes makes you wish you didn't live in a society that was so fast paced and in a hurry all the time. The way he holds himself and the way he loves his Savior are things that make me glad I have him because my daddy doesn't seem so far away.
Jack. Oh my sweet sensitive Jack. How breakable you seemed when I first met you and now your personality brings light to anyone who is broken in a dark world. You freely give your love away without asking for any in return. Your heart breaks when others hearts are broken. Thank you for your smile!
Ahna my only girl. Tougher then nails, can hold her own with her brothers. I love the crooked smile her daddy gave her. The beautiful blonde curls that she doesn't know yet that every girl envies .
The compassion she has toward others humbles me. Always helping eager to please and always wanting to keep peace. Thank you Ahna for being my helper.
Jason is my sunshine! A ham and a goof ball always wanting attention and always trying new ways to get it. But oh so lazy always cutting corners and having his siblings do things for him so he doesn't have to. Like talk. Lol thank you for making me realize that everything is part of Gods plan even if it's not a part of ours.
Robert thank you for Making me a mother and for giving me such beautiful children your father would be proud of how you are helping me raise them.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Amazing love.....you are my king
In August it will be 9 years that I married that crazy teenager who stole my heart in a country on the other side of the planet. We had what some people would call a jiffy lube wedding. Invitations were sent by email and 6 hours of premarital counciling was done in 1 weekend. My family came together and we got it done in the nine days we had. the preparations were some of the best memories i'll have of the whole 9 days.
Anyway in those six hours we had with pastor Chuck we learned a lot mostly about ourselves. At the end of the sessions he gave us a test and at the end of the test he was astounded. He told us that in 35 years of being a pastor he had never seen 2 people know each other so well. All of our answers had been exactly the same.
This brings me back to our healing process. There is a point when a marriage is put through a storm, whatever that storm may be, where love has to become a choice. A choice? You say. Yes a choice. There were many times where I would be bringing Robert pills or something to eat in bed and he would look at me and say "why haven't you left yet? I'm worthless why do you insist on staying." I would tell him "because God chose you for me, your stuck with me for life." I had made my choice before the anger began and as hard as it was I chose to love him. Were there times where I couldn't stand the thought of him? Yes. Did I become resentful for the pain he caused me?Yes. One thing that faith gave me was quiet pep talks with myself where I would be able to adjust my attitude and my heavenly father would give me peace of mind and spirit, so that I could go back in with a smile and truthfully say I love you. After he became bitter those pep talks became more frequent but I never realized how bad it had gotten until my bed rest with Jason.
Robert made his choice to love me during that fight. I accused him of mentally leaving me already. That he wasn't here. I asked him if we should just seperate and him not buy a returning ticket untill he was ready? He told me he was willing to fight. As I told you before he became my old Robert for the 4 weeks before he left. When he got back I gave him a lot of space to work on his relationship with God and my job to work on was to just shut up and listen which he would tell you is still hard. I tend to interrupt a lot so still working on that. I feel like there are things we had to relearn how to do. And there are still things that we used to do that we realize we need to enforce back into our relationship. It's crazy to think that the couple that knew each other so well almost nine years ago is still struggling with communication after 2 years of not communicating much. When I saw Robert start trying when He got back it made me want to try. It only took a couple months for people at church to notice that something was different. I was glad I wasn't the only ones hat noticed. I knew I was changing too maybe more smiles. But the biggest thing that I noticed by the time Jason was born was his willingness to pray again. The next spring Robert started working doing some handyman stuff. A lady in our church hired him to do some work. It started out with both of us painting her house. Then it was just him doing repairs. He ended up replacing 1300 square feet of her roof. He just kept working and slowly his confidence started building and I guess you can say his manness returned and with it his faith strengthened. I never thought that he would became the one with the attitude "don't worry the Lord will provide". That was my job. Lol when I got my nursing license and I could officially start looking for work he came to me and said we need to start praying about missions again. A dream we had long since flushed down the toilet was now being reborn in our hearts and not just mine but my husbands as well. What have we learned since Jason was born? More than we did in the 6 years prior to his birth. God is showing us what it's like to get on your knees together and in doing so get results. We have things that we are still working on and quite frankly we will be working us the rest of our lives. We have gone through a ton of small hurricanes since we stepped into the state of Md but with our faith now unwavering they don't seem as big as the one that consumed us for so long.
I am proud to say that God restored Robs health to probably about 85% of what he used to be but there are those things that were damaged beyond repair that need constant medication. His liver and blood pressure as well as the nerve pain and hand tremors have found their treatments so that Rob can live a normal life. I'm glad he gets to start a new job this week.
I don't know if you have gotten anything from my little series on us in the raw. I hope you have. Love is a choice! Not just a feeling. It doesn't have to be a spouse that you are feeling hopeless about, it could be a sibling or parent. As Christians it's not our job to give up it's our job to forgive and sometimes that maybe the most difficult thing ever. We're lucky though we're not alone. I love my husband and I respect him, I'm learning to be what God wants me to be and some days I'm more upset with myself at my stupidity than anything else. I have a big foot that likes to insert itself into my mouth quite often. Hahaha! I'm glad I have such a gracious God and a husband that knows I'm human. You have a right to choose so choose to pray first and let God guide you like He's guiding us. We may take a wrong turn but He knows how to get us back on the right path.
I love you Robert. If one person reads this and chooses to fight for their marriage like we did it's worth it, telling our story and having people share it.
Anyway in those six hours we had with pastor Chuck we learned a lot mostly about ourselves. At the end of the sessions he gave us a test and at the end of the test he was astounded. He told us that in 35 years of being a pastor he had never seen 2 people know each other so well. All of our answers had been exactly the same.
This brings me back to our healing process. There is a point when a marriage is put through a storm, whatever that storm may be, where love has to become a choice. A choice? You say. Yes a choice. There were many times where I would be bringing Robert pills or something to eat in bed and he would look at me and say "why haven't you left yet? I'm worthless why do you insist on staying." I would tell him "because God chose you for me, your stuck with me for life." I had made my choice before the anger began and as hard as it was I chose to love him. Were there times where I couldn't stand the thought of him? Yes. Did I become resentful for the pain he caused me?Yes. One thing that faith gave me was quiet pep talks with myself where I would be able to adjust my attitude and my heavenly father would give me peace of mind and spirit, so that I could go back in with a smile and truthfully say I love you. After he became bitter those pep talks became more frequent but I never realized how bad it had gotten until my bed rest with Jason.
Robert made his choice to love me during that fight. I accused him of mentally leaving me already. That he wasn't here. I asked him if we should just seperate and him not buy a returning ticket untill he was ready? He told me he was willing to fight. As I told you before he became my old Robert for the 4 weeks before he left. When he got back I gave him a lot of space to work on his relationship with God and my job to work on was to just shut up and listen which he would tell you is still hard. I tend to interrupt a lot so still working on that. I feel like there are things we had to relearn how to do. And there are still things that we used to do that we realize we need to enforce back into our relationship. It's crazy to think that the couple that knew each other so well almost nine years ago is still struggling with communication after 2 years of not communicating much. When I saw Robert start trying when He got back it made me want to try. It only took a couple months for people at church to notice that something was different. I was glad I wasn't the only ones hat noticed. I knew I was changing too maybe more smiles. But the biggest thing that I noticed by the time Jason was born was his willingness to pray again. The next spring Robert started working doing some handyman stuff. A lady in our church hired him to do some work. It started out with both of us painting her house. Then it was just him doing repairs. He ended up replacing 1300 square feet of her roof. He just kept working and slowly his confidence started building and I guess you can say his manness returned and with it his faith strengthened. I never thought that he would became the one with the attitude "don't worry the Lord will provide". That was my job. Lol when I got my nursing license and I could officially start looking for work he came to me and said we need to start praying about missions again. A dream we had long since flushed down the toilet was now being reborn in our hearts and not just mine but my husbands as well. What have we learned since Jason was born? More than we did in the 6 years prior to his birth. God is showing us what it's like to get on your knees together and in doing so get results. We have things that we are still working on and quite frankly we will be working us the rest of our lives. We have gone through a ton of small hurricanes since we stepped into the state of Md but with our faith now unwavering they don't seem as big as the one that consumed us for so long.
I am proud to say that God restored Robs health to probably about 85% of what he used to be but there are those things that were damaged beyond repair that need constant medication. His liver and blood pressure as well as the nerve pain and hand tremors have found their treatments so that Rob can live a normal life. I'm glad he gets to start a new job this week.
I don't know if you have gotten anything from my little series on us in the raw. I hope you have. Love is a choice! Not just a feeling. It doesn't have to be a spouse that you are feeling hopeless about, it could be a sibling or parent. As Christians it's not our job to give up it's our job to forgive and sometimes that maybe the most difficult thing ever. We're lucky though we're not alone. I love my husband and I respect him, I'm learning to be what God wants me to be and some days I'm more upset with myself at my stupidity than anything else. I have a big foot that likes to insert itself into my mouth quite often. Hahaha! I'm glad I have such a gracious God and a husband that knows I'm human. You have a right to choose so choose to pray first and let God guide you like He's guiding us. We may take a wrong turn but He knows how to get us back on the right path.
I love you Robert. If one person reads this and chooses to fight for their marriage like we did it's worth it, telling our story and having people share it.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Amazing love continued...
With the misdiagnosis of Fibromyalgia a lot of dreams went out the window. The biggest one was serving the Lord as missionaries some where. It just went out the window because that disease is so unpredictable. When I heard "Diabetes" there in that ER that day I was wandering how much of his symptoms were caused by the diabetes I realized that day that fibromyalgia could have been a misdiagnosis and I had hope that my husband wasn't going to die. People live with type1 Diabetes every day. I was glad that I had an answer finally.
Then I looked at his face. Utter shock "Are you sure?" he asked. "yeah man your sugar is 600, your kidneys and liver are shutting down I'm surprised your not in a coma right now."
Rob hates needles almost as much as he hates purple. I remember everytime he saw one of those diabetes testing supply commercials he would look at me and say "if I ever get diabetes just shoot me ok?" when I remembered this it made me realize that he really was facing his worse fear.
Unfortunately we went to the ER on a Friday so he had to go back on Saturday for him to get some more insulin that would keep him out of a coma till Monday when he could see his doctor. When we went back in his Sugar was still 550 so they tried a 24 hour insulin and some more short term insulin and this time they waited for it to come down before he left. They got it down to 330 and we went home. That night he joked with my mom played with the kids and kissed me first for the first time in a long time. It gave us hope that my Robert would come back. However the true test was still coming. Robert got all of his diabetes stuff the next week and being the nursing student I was I got to give him the first injection at home. I did it for the first day, every meal. He surprised me the next day by telling me he wanted to try. He said "meg I have too your not always going to be here." so I left the room and he did it. After a few weeks of doing this he got his sugar down to the 100s and everyone was so excited. The problem that we noticed was the pain in his legs the trembling and hand shakes got worse for awhile. I guess it would be considered coming off a sugar high. It was my first confirmation that maybe it was diabetes all along. His neurologist who was treating all the pain for fibromyalgia confirmed that this could all be the diabetes. He saw an endocrinologist who said yes most definitely , but that his body had been damaged so bad by the diabetes that it would take at least 2 maybe even 3 years to see what damage was permanent. For awhile Robert did pretty well but then the fact that his worse nightmare was his reality and that he was going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, started to sink in. In response Robert became more bitter and angry with God which in turn made him angry with everyone else as well. After a few months the I thought it would get better but I didn't realize that it was only building. Being in school and having 3 children at home and then dealing with his anger I was hanging on by faith alone. Then I realized that I was having a miscarriage when I didn't know I was pregnant. I look back and realize now I was about 7 weeks a long. It was extremely painful and I didn't tell him for awhile because he was just so angry all the time. Then in June we find out that I'm pregnant with Jason. I knew exactly when he was conceived because I realized that my birth control failed. I rolled over that night and said "I'm screwed" lol. We were in the doctors office when we found out and when I showed him that the pregnancy test was positive he looked at it and said "well that's inconvenient". I looked at my husband not knowing who he was anymore. I still had 4 months of school left. He kept saying things like "this isn't the right time". He even told his family how upset he was because I "was ecstatic". I decided that this was a gift from God it may have not been in my plan but this little life was a part of Gods plan. So yeah I decided to be happy. I loved whoever it was and I didn't know but God had a big plan for him.
After a couple months of comments and complaining and anger from Rob my body couldn't handle the stress I had taken on too much and with the exhaustion came contractions. At 17 weeks I was in the ER and didn't even know I could feel contractions that early. Rob sat there Rubbing my back loving on me like he used to, kissing me, filling me with "I love yous". I thought "wow he's back". After they did an ultrasound and saw that my baby was doing really good they sent me home and told me to stay on bedrest for 3 days. I was good with that. On the way home Rob got angry again. I saw him hardly at all those 3 days. He had the kids bring me this and bring me that. I had 3 days to think. I realized he was getting better and I was still treating him like he was sick. For three days he took care of the kids fixed meals and never heard him complain about himself not feeling well. I had enabled him. I didn't have to carry this load all by myself anymore. I also realized that we didn't deserve his anger and after six months of being mad at God he needed to fix his relationship with Him. I needed him to because that was just another thing that burdened my soul and I shouldn't be dwelling on it. I had some praying to do and some changes to make in myself and then I needed to confront my husband about the man he had become. We had a big blow out where I told him to leave. That he needed to go home see his family and get a better appreciation for his family here at home. Luckily he heard everything I said and he booked a flight. I told him if he didn't come home working on himself and his relationship with his savior than we would seperate. I also told him I would be working on some things in me and that our baby's life depended on the changes we both made. The 4 weeks before he left he was my old Robert. He even took me out for our anniversary where I didn't know what to say to him. He asked me why I was so quiet and I broke down crying and asked him "how long is this gonna last, your back and I don't want you to leave me again."
When he came back from Md I could see small changes taking place. I look back now and see the big job Jason had. He started healing our marriage. When we had our ultrasound after Rob got home, he watched his little heart beat and fell in love with him like I knew he would. We found out it was a boy. By the time that Jason arrived everyone was excited about him coming.
I want you to know that I'm glad I have walked this journey with my husband and I know that the blessing in the end for us is not only a stronger faith but a stronger marriage as well. Is marriage easy? No it's the hardest thing ever. Is it worth it? Yes. Do I love Robert more today than I did yesterday? You bet. Was divorce ever mentioned? Yes it was. I said "Rob I will never divorce you I have to much time and love invested in you for me to give up. I will fight as long as I have too, but I do believe in taking a break so we can put ourselves back together. This story isn't done I want to tell you more about the healing part of this whole thing so check back in and bring a friend.
Then I looked at his face. Utter shock "Are you sure?" he asked. "yeah man your sugar is 600, your kidneys and liver are shutting down I'm surprised your not in a coma right now."
Rob hates needles almost as much as he hates purple. I remember everytime he saw one of those diabetes testing supply commercials he would look at me and say "if I ever get diabetes just shoot me ok?" when I remembered this it made me realize that he really was facing his worse fear.
Unfortunately we went to the ER on a Friday so he had to go back on Saturday for him to get some more insulin that would keep him out of a coma till Monday when he could see his doctor. When we went back in his Sugar was still 550 so they tried a 24 hour insulin and some more short term insulin and this time they waited for it to come down before he left. They got it down to 330 and we went home. That night he joked with my mom played with the kids and kissed me first for the first time in a long time. It gave us hope that my Robert would come back. However the true test was still coming. Robert got all of his diabetes stuff the next week and being the nursing student I was I got to give him the first injection at home. I did it for the first day, every meal. He surprised me the next day by telling me he wanted to try. He said "meg I have too your not always going to be here." so I left the room and he did it. After a few weeks of doing this he got his sugar down to the 100s and everyone was so excited. The problem that we noticed was the pain in his legs the trembling and hand shakes got worse for awhile. I guess it would be considered coming off a sugar high. It was my first confirmation that maybe it was diabetes all along. His neurologist who was treating all the pain for fibromyalgia confirmed that this could all be the diabetes. He saw an endocrinologist who said yes most definitely , but that his body had been damaged so bad by the diabetes that it would take at least 2 maybe even 3 years to see what damage was permanent. For awhile Robert did pretty well but then the fact that his worse nightmare was his reality and that he was going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, started to sink in. In response Robert became more bitter and angry with God which in turn made him angry with everyone else as well. After a few months the I thought it would get better but I didn't realize that it was only building. Being in school and having 3 children at home and then dealing with his anger I was hanging on by faith alone. Then I realized that I was having a miscarriage when I didn't know I was pregnant. I look back and realize now I was about 7 weeks a long. It was extremely painful and I didn't tell him for awhile because he was just so angry all the time. Then in June we find out that I'm pregnant with Jason. I knew exactly when he was conceived because I realized that my birth control failed. I rolled over that night and said "I'm screwed" lol. We were in the doctors office when we found out and when I showed him that the pregnancy test was positive he looked at it and said "well that's inconvenient". I looked at my husband not knowing who he was anymore. I still had 4 months of school left. He kept saying things like "this isn't the right time". He even told his family how upset he was because I "was ecstatic". I decided that this was a gift from God it may have not been in my plan but this little life was a part of Gods plan. So yeah I decided to be happy. I loved whoever it was and I didn't know but God had a big plan for him.
After a couple months of comments and complaining and anger from Rob my body couldn't handle the stress I had taken on too much and with the exhaustion came contractions. At 17 weeks I was in the ER and didn't even know I could feel contractions that early. Rob sat there Rubbing my back loving on me like he used to, kissing me, filling me with "I love yous". I thought "wow he's back". After they did an ultrasound and saw that my baby was doing really good they sent me home and told me to stay on bedrest for 3 days. I was good with that. On the way home Rob got angry again. I saw him hardly at all those 3 days. He had the kids bring me this and bring me that. I had 3 days to think. I realized he was getting better and I was still treating him like he was sick. For three days he took care of the kids fixed meals and never heard him complain about himself not feeling well. I had enabled him. I didn't have to carry this load all by myself anymore. I also realized that we didn't deserve his anger and after six months of being mad at God he needed to fix his relationship with Him. I needed him to because that was just another thing that burdened my soul and I shouldn't be dwelling on it. I had some praying to do and some changes to make in myself and then I needed to confront my husband about the man he had become. We had a big blow out where I told him to leave. That he needed to go home see his family and get a better appreciation for his family here at home. Luckily he heard everything I said and he booked a flight. I told him if he didn't come home working on himself and his relationship with his savior than we would seperate. I also told him I would be working on some things in me and that our baby's life depended on the changes we both made. The 4 weeks before he left he was my old Robert. He even took me out for our anniversary where I didn't know what to say to him. He asked me why I was so quiet and I broke down crying and asked him "how long is this gonna last, your back and I don't want you to leave me again."
When he came back from Md I could see small changes taking place. I look back now and see the big job Jason had. He started healing our marriage. When we had our ultrasound after Rob got home, he watched his little heart beat and fell in love with him like I knew he would. We found out it was a boy. By the time that Jason arrived everyone was excited about him coming.
I want you to know that I'm glad I have walked this journey with my husband and I know that the blessing in the end for us is not only a stronger faith but a stronger marriage as well. Is marriage easy? No it's the hardest thing ever. Is it worth it? Yes. Do I love Robert more today than I did yesterday? You bet. Was divorce ever mentioned? Yes it was. I said "Rob I will never divorce you I have to much time and love invested in you for me to give up. I will fight as long as I have too, but I do believe in taking a break so we can put ourselves back together. This story isn't done I want to tell you more about the healing part of this whole thing so check back in and bring a friend.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Amazing Love how can it be....
That you my King would die for me?
4 1/2 years ago we embarked on a journey that Rob and I don't wish on our worst enemies (well if we had them). Not very many wives my age can say that they have almost lost their husbands as many times as I have. At this time 5 years ago we were preparing for Roberts sister Erin's wedding. I was 6 months pregnant and we hadn't told any of his family because we didn't want to take away from her day. Ahna was an awesome baby but when she was a couple months old that October Rob started getting sick. He worked for the Gas Co. and was very fit because he had to walk 6 to 10 miles a day as a meter reader. Watching him come home completely exhausted and having the stomache problems and the pain he did was just weird. Heartbreaking. It got to the point where all he did was work and sleep.
In November some new symptoms developed. I remember driving home from church one day and he couldn't get his hand to work to put the turn signal on. By Christmas the pain was almost uncontrollable his hands shook so bad he couldn't pick up a pencil. Christmas night while visiting my sister in northern California the pain was so bad I had to take him to the ER. I vowed that day that no matter the cost I would not break my vow "in sickness and in health." They told him at the hospital that night that he should consider taking a leave of absence from work to see some specialists. His liver was really enlarged and some kidney counts were high. So began our journey of the unknown seeing specialist after specialist. Moving home to be with the parentals to see if he could get better health care.
Work let him transfer from Visalia to Valencia started a new search for what was behind his crazy symptoms that seemed to stump every doctor we saw. Rob started becoming bitter and depressed and started taking Meds to help with the depression. The same thing happened here Doctors continuely ruled stuff out. Multiple Sclerosis and mercury poisoning were a few.
In July I went back to school starting to think that I may watch my husband die and I needed something to support my children. I know that sounded harsh but that was my greatest fear. After awhile I decided that God would not allow him to go undiagnosed. In September he was misdiagnosed as having fibromyalgia. This is when he decide to leave the gas co. and hang up his shirt because he never thought he'd work again. He still didn't play with his kids or dote on us like he used to as a wife I saw that he didn't see himself as a man really. The pride in caring for your family is something that can eat at a man if he can't do it. His depression worsened and the Meds were changed which had an opposite affect and one evening he told me he wanted to throw himself off the cliff at the back of my parents property. Friends and pastors were called to talk him down. I never prayed so hard in my life. This drug that made a wife's worse nightmare almost a reality was Cymbalta.
That January as an attempt to pull my husband back to his family I did everything in my power to make his birthday the best 25th ever. I secretly flew in his mother from MD with the help of his sisters. Went to Disneyland with her and the boys. I threw a surprise party with 45 people there that had been praying for him. Little did we know that he would get his diagnoses just 2 months later.
While his mom was there he had developed a cyst at the bottom of his spine. It got infected and needed to be removed. The surgery was scheduled for the last week in February. He went in fine he came out sicker than a dog . Since I was the student nurse I got the lovely job of packing and cleaning the giant extra hole at the top of Robs butt. After a few days I realized that robs condition had worsened, something about his recovery was not right. He saw the surgeon a couple times and the surgeon was frustrated with the way the hole wasn't closing. A couple more weeks and more frustration. I was sitting in class one day going over what diabetes does to the central nervous system. It hit me like an anvil dropped on my head. I rushed home and asked him how many times he'd gone to the bathroom in the last hour. "3 or 4"
How much water have you drunk today? "6 of these" when I counted, the amount of water was 3 gallons. Are you still thirsty? "yeah it won't go away". Your really sick Rob I need to take you to the ER. When we had gotten to the ER and they triaged him I tried so hard not to cry when he stood on the scale and he had lost almost 35 lbs in the 3 weeks since his surgery. I look back now and remember how ashamed he was when both of us and the bed would be soaked because of night sweats and I'd have to change the sheets almost every morning. They did a bunch of tests and the doctor comes in and says "dude you have diabetes" he looked at me and said "mam if you had waited any longer you could have been a widow". Nothing prepares you for the reaction on your husbands face when he hears that his worse nightmare has just become a reality.
This I just the first part of the journey but why am I writing it now? Because Rob hung up his shirt right? He thought he'd never get to the point where he could work full-time ever again. He starts his first full time job in almost 5 years this next week. I look at him and he's more than just a man to me He's the one God gave me to love through sickness and health. I think the hardest part of the story has yet to come. I guess you'll have to check back in to find out how Rob got from the ER to the interview he had today.
4 1/2 years ago we embarked on a journey that Rob and I don't wish on our worst enemies (well if we had them). Not very many wives my age can say that they have almost lost their husbands as many times as I have. At this time 5 years ago we were preparing for Roberts sister Erin's wedding. I was 6 months pregnant and we hadn't told any of his family because we didn't want to take away from her day. Ahna was an awesome baby but when she was a couple months old that October Rob started getting sick. He worked for the Gas Co. and was very fit because he had to walk 6 to 10 miles a day as a meter reader. Watching him come home completely exhausted and having the stomache problems and the pain he did was just weird. Heartbreaking. It got to the point where all he did was work and sleep.
In November some new symptoms developed. I remember driving home from church one day and he couldn't get his hand to work to put the turn signal on. By Christmas the pain was almost uncontrollable his hands shook so bad he couldn't pick up a pencil. Christmas night while visiting my sister in northern California the pain was so bad I had to take him to the ER. I vowed that day that no matter the cost I would not break my vow "in sickness and in health." They told him at the hospital that night that he should consider taking a leave of absence from work to see some specialists. His liver was really enlarged and some kidney counts were high. So began our journey of the unknown seeing specialist after specialist. Moving home to be with the parentals to see if he could get better health care.
Work let him transfer from Visalia to Valencia started a new search for what was behind his crazy symptoms that seemed to stump every doctor we saw. Rob started becoming bitter and depressed and started taking Meds to help with the depression. The same thing happened here Doctors continuely ruled stuff out. Multiple Sclerosis and mercury poisoning were a few.
In July I went back to school starting to think that I may watch my husband die and I needed something to support my children. I know that sounded harsh but that was my greatest fear. After awhile I decided that God would not allow him to go undiagnosed. In September he was misdiagnosed as having fibromyalgia. This is when he decide to leave the gas co. and hang up his shirt because he never thought he'd work again. He still didn't play with his kids or dote on us like he used to as a wife I saw that he didn't see himself as a man really. The pride in caring for your family is something that can eat at a man if he can't do it. His depression worsened and the Meds were changed which had an opposite affect and one evening he told me he wanted to throw himself off the cliff at the back of my parents property. Friends and pastors were called to talk him down. I never prayed so hard in my life. This drug that made a wife's worse nightmare almost a reality was Cymbalta.
That January as an attempt to pull my husband back to his family I did everything in my power to make his birthday the best 25th ever. I secretly flew in his mother from MD with the help of his sisters. Went to Disneyland with her and the boys. I threw a surprise party with 45 people there that had been praying for him. Little did we know that he would get his diagnoses just 2 months later.
While his mom was there he had developed a cyst at the bottom of his spine. It got infected and needed to be removed. The surgery was scheduled for the last week in February. He went in fine he came out sicker than a dog . Since I was the student nurse I got the lovely job of packing and cleaning the giant extra hole at the top of Robs butt. After a few days I realized that robs condition had worsened, something about his recovery was not right. He saw the surgeon a couple times and the surgeon was frustrated with the way the hole wasn't closing. A couple more weeks and more frustration. I was sitting in class one day going over what diabetes does to the central nervous system. It hit me like an anvil dropped on my head. I rushed home and asked him how many times he'd gone to the bathroom in the last hour. "3 or 4"
How much water have you drunk today? "6 of these" when I counted, the amount of water was 3 gallons. Are you still thirsty? "yeah it won't go away". Your really sick Rob I need to take you to the ER. When we had gotten to the ER and they triaged him I tried so hard not to cry when he stood on the scale and he had lost almost 35 lbs in the 3 weeks since his surgery. I look back now and remember how ashamed he was when both of us and the bed would be soaked because of night sweats and I'd have to change the sheets almost every morning. They did a bunch of tests and the doctor comes in and says "dude you have diabetes" he looked at me and said "mam if you had waited any longer you could have been a widow". Nothing prepares you for the reaction on your husbands face when he hears that his worse nightmare has just become a reality.
This I just the first part of the journey but why am I writing it now? Because Rob hung up his shirt right? He thought he'd never get to the point where he could work full-time ever again. He starts his first full time job in almost 5 years this next week. I look at him and he's more than just a man to me He's the one God gave me to love through sickness and health. I think the hardest part of the story has yet to come. I guess you'll have to check back in to find out how Rob got from the ER to the interview he had today.
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