With the misdiagnosis of Fibromyalgia a lot of dreams went out the window. The biggest one was serving the Lord as missionaries some where. It just went out the window because that disease is so unpredictable. When I heard "Diabetes" there in that ER that day I was wandering how much of his symptoms were caused by the diabetes I realized that day that fibromyalgia could have been a misdiagnosis and I had hope that my husband wasn't going to die. People live with type1 Diabetes every day. I was glad that I had an answer finally.
Then I looked at his face. Utter shock "Are you sure?" he asked. "yeah man your sugar is 600, your kidneys and liver are shutting down I'm surprised your not in a coma right now."
Rob hates needles almost as much as he hates purple. I remember everytime he saw one of those diabetes testing supply commercials he would look at me and say "if I ever get diabetes just shoot me ok?" when I remembered this it made me realize that he really was facing his worse fear.
Unfortunately we went to the ER on a Friday so he had to go back on Saturday for him to get some more insulin that would keep him out of a coma till Monday when he could see his doctor. When we went back in his Sugar was still 550 so they tried a 24 hour insulin and some more short term insulin and this time they waited for it to come down before he left. They got it down to 330 and we went home. That night he joked with my mom played with the kids and kissed me first for the first time in a long time. It gave us hope that my Robert would come back. However the true test was still coming. Robert got all of his diabetes stuff the next week and being the nursing student I was I got to give him the first injection at home. I did it for the first day, every meal. He surprised me the next day by telling me he wanted to try. He said "meg I have too your not always going to be here." so I left the room and he did it. After a few weeks of doing this he got his sugar down to the 100s and everyone was so excited. The problem that we noticed was the pain in his legs the trembling and hand shakes got worse for awhile. I guess it would be considered coming off a sugar high. It was my first confirmation that maybe it was diabetes all along. His neurologist who was treating all the pain for fibromyalgia confirmed that this could all be the diabetes. He saw an endocrinologist who said yes most definitely , but that his body had been damaged so bad by the diabetes that it would take at least 2 maybe even 3 years to see what damage was permanent. For awhile Robert did pretty well but then the fact that his worse nightmare was his reality and that he was going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, started to sink in. In response Robert became more bitter and angry with God which in turn made him angry with everyone else as well. After a few months the I thought it would get better but I didn't realize that it was only building. Being in school and having 3 children at home and then dealing with his anger I was hanging on by faith alone. Then I realized that I was having a miscarriage when I didn't know I was pregnant. I look back and realize now I was about 7 weeks a long. It was extremely painful and I didn't tell him for awhile because he was just so angry all the time. Then in June we find out that I'm pregnant with Jason. I knew exactly when he was conceived because I realized that my birth control failed. I rolled over that night and said "I'm screwed" lol. We were in the doctors office when we found out and when I showed him that the pregnancy test was positive he looked at it and said "well that's inconvenient". I looked at my husband not knowing who he was anymore. I still had 4 months of school left. He kept saying things like "this isn't the right time". He even told his family how upset he was because I "was ecstatic". I decided that this was a gift from God it may have not been in my plan but this little life was a part of Gods plan. So yeah I decided to be happy. I loved whoever it was and I didn't know but God had a big plan for him.
After a couple months of comments and complaining and anger from Rob my body couldn't handle the stress I had taken on too much and with the exhaustion came contractions. At 17 weeks I was in the ER and didn't even know I could feel contractions that early. Rob sat there Rubbing my back loving on me like he used to, kissing me, filling me with "I love yous". I thought "wow he's back". After they did an ultrasound and saw that my baby was doing really good they sent me home and told me to stay on bedrest for 3 days. I was good with that. On the way home Rob got angry again. I saw him hardly at all those 3 days. He had the kids bring me this and bring me that. I had 3 days to think. I realized he was getting better and I was still treating him like he was sick. For three days he took care of the kids fixed meals and never heard him complain about himself not feeling well. I had enabled him. I didn't have to carry this load all by myself anymore. I also realized that we didn't deserve his anger and after six months of being mad at God he needed to fix his relationship with Him. I needed him to because that was just another thing that burdened my soul and I shouldn't be dwelling on it. I had some praying to do and some changes to make in myself and then I needed to confront my husband about the man he had become. We had a big blow out where I told him to leave. That he needed to go home see his family and get a better appreciation for his family here at home. Luckily he heard everything I said and he booked a flight. I told him if he didn't come home working on himself and his relationship with his savior than we would seperate. I also told him I would be working on some things in me and that our baby's life depended on the changes we both made. The 4 weeks before he left he was my old Robert. He even took me out for our anniversary where I didn't know what to say to him. He asked me why I was so quiet and I broke down crying and asked him "how long is this gonna last, your back and I don't want you to leave me again."
When he came back from Md I could see small changes taking place. I look back now and see the big job Jason had. He started healing our marriage. When we had our ultrasound after Rob got home, he watched his little heart beat and fell in love with him like I knew he would. We found out it was a boy. By the time that Jason arrived everyone was excited about him coming.
I want you to know that I'm glad I have walked this journey with my husband and I know that the blessing in the end for us is not only a stronger faith but a stronger marriage as well. Is marriage easy? No it's the hardest thing ever. Is it worth it? Yes. Do I love Robert more today than I did yesterday? You bet. Was divorce ever mentioned? Yes it was. I said "Rob I will never divorce you I have to much time and love invested in you for me to give up. I will fight as long as I have too, but I do believe in taking a break so we can put ourselves back together. This story isn't done I want to tell you more about the healing part of this whole thing so check back in and bring a friend.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Amazing Love how can it be....
That you my King would die for me?
4 1/2 years ago we embarked on a journey that Rob and I don't wish on our worst enemies (well if we had them). Not very many wives my age can say that they have almost lost their husbands as many times as I have. At this time 5 years ago we were preparing for Roberts sister Erin's wedding. I was 6 months pregnant and we hadn't told any of his family because we didn't want to take away from her day. Ahna was an awesome baby but when she was a couple months old that October Rob started getting sick. He worked for the Gas Co. and was very fit because he had to walk 6 to 10 miles a day as a meter reader. Watching him come home completely exhausted and having the stomache problems and the pain he did was just weird. Heartbreaking. It got to the point where all he did was work and sleep.
In November some new symptoms developed. I remember driving home from church one day and he couldn't get his hand to work to put the turn signal on. By Christmas the pain was almost uncontrollable his hands shook so bad he couldn't pick up a pencil. Christmas night while visiting my sister in northern California the pain was so bad I had to take him to the ER. I vowed that day that no matter the cost I would not break my vow "in sickness and in health." They told him at the hospital that night that he should consider taking a leave of absence from work to see some specialists. His liver was really enlarged and some kidney counts were high. So began our journey of the unknown seeing specialist after specialist. Moving home to be with the parentals to see if he could get better health care.
Work let him transfer from Visalia to Valencia started a new search for what was behind his crazy symptoms that seemed to stump every doctor we saw. Rob started becoming bitter and depressed and started taking Meds to help with the depression. The same thing happened here Doctors continuely ruled stuff out. Multiple Sclerosis and mercury poisoning were a few.
In July I went back to school starting to think that I may watch my husband die and I needed something to support my children. I know that sounded harsh but that was my greatest fear. After awhile I decided that God would not allow him to go undiagnosed. In September he was misdiagnosed as having fibromyalgia. This is when he decide to leave the gas co. and hang up his shirt because he never thought he'd work again. He still didn't play with his kids or dote on us like he used to as a wife I saw that he didn't see himself as a man really. The pride in caring for your family is something that can eat at a man if he can't do it. His depression worsened and the Meds were changed which had an opposite affect and one evening he told me he wanted to throw himself off the cliff at the back of my parents property. Friends and pastors were called to talk him down. I never prayed so hard in my life. This drug that made a wife's worse nightmare almost a reality was Cymbalta.
That January as an attempt to pull my husband back to his family I did everything in my power to make his birthday the best 25th ever. I secretly flew in his mother from MD with the help of his sisters. Went to Disneyland with her and the boys. I threw a surprise party with 45 people there that had been praying for him. Little did we know that he would get his diagnoses just 2 months later.
While his mom was there he had developed a cyst at the bottom of his spine. It got infected and needed to be removed. The surgery was scheduled for the last week in February. He went in fine he came out sicker than a dog . Since I was the student nurse I got the lovely job of packing and cleaning the giant extra hole at the top of Robs butt. After a few days I realized that robs condition had worsened, something about his recovery was not right. He saw the surgeon a couple times and the surgeon was frustrated with the way the hole wasn't closing. A couple more weeks and more frustration. I was sitting in class one day going over what diabetes does to the central nervous system. It hit me like an anvil dropped on my head. I rushed home and asked him how many times he'd gone to the bathroom in the last hour. "3 or 4"
How much water have you drunk today? "6 of these" when I counted, the amount of water was 3 gallons. Are you still thirsty? "yeah it won't go away". Your really sick Rob I need to take you to the ER. When we had gotten to the ER and they triaged him I tried so hard not to cry when he stood on the scale and he had lost almost 35 lbs in the 3 weeks since his surgery. I look back now and remember how ashamed he was when both of us and the bed would be soaked because of night sweats and I'd have to change the sheets almost every morning. They did a bunch of tests and the doctor comes in and says "dude you have diabetes" he looked at me and said "mam if you had waited any longer you could have been a widow". Nothing prepares you for the reaction on your husbands face when he hears that his worse nightmare has just become a reality.
This I just the first part of the journey but why am I writing it now? Because Rob hung up his shirt right? He thought he'd never get to the point where he could work full-time ever again. He starts his first full time job in almost 5 years this next week. I look at him and he's more than just a man to me He's the one God gave me to love through sickness and health. I think the hardest part of the story has yet to come. I guess you'll have to check back in to find out how Rob got from the ER to the interview he had today.
4 1/2 years ago we embarked on a journey that Rob and I don't wish on our worst enemies (well if we had them). Not very many wives my age can say that they have almost lost their husbands as many times as I have. At this time 5 years ago we were preparing for Roberts sister Erin's wedding. I was 6 months pregnant and we hadn't told any of his family because we didn't want to take away from her day. Ahna was an awesome baby but when she was a couple months old that October Rob started getting sick. He worked for the Gas Co. and was very fit because he had to walk 6 to 10 miles a day as a meter reader. Watching him come home completely exhausted and having the stomache problems and the pain he did was just weird. Heartbreaking. It got to the point where all he did was work and sleep.
In November some new symptoms developed. I remember driving home from church one day and he couldn't get his hand to work to put the turn signal on. By Christmas the pain was almost uncontrollable his hands shook so bad he couldn't pick up a pencil. Christmas night while visiting my sister in northern California the pain was so bad I had to take him to the ER. I vowed that day that no matter the cost I would not break my vow "in sickness and in health." They told him at the hospital that night that he should consider taking a leave of absence from work to see some specialists. His liver was really enlarged and some kidney counts were high. So began our journey of the unknown seeing specialist after specialist. Moving home to be with the parentals to see if he could get better health care.
Work let him transfer from Visalia to Valencia started a new search for what was behind his crazy symptoms that seemed to stump every doctor we saw. Rob started becoming bitter and depressed and started taking Meds to help with the depression. The same thing happened here Doctors continuely ruled stuff out. Multiple Sclerosis and mercury poisoning were a few.
In July I went back to school starting to think that I may watch my husband die and I needed something to support my children. I know that sounded harsh but that was my greatest fear. After awhile I decided that God would not allow him to go undiagnosed. In September he was misdiagnosed as having fibromyalgia. This is when he decide to leave the gas co. and hang up his shirt because he never thought he'd work again. He still didn't play with his kids or dote on us like he used to as a wife I saw that he didn't see himself as a man really. The pride in caring for your family is something that can eat at a man if he can't do it. His depression worsened and the Meds were changed which had an opposite affect and one evening he told me he wanted to throw himself off the cliff at the back of my parents property. Friends and pastors were called to talk him down. I never prayed so hard in my life. This drug that made a wife's worse nightmare almost a reality was Cymbalta.
That January as an attempt to pull my husband back to his family I did everything in my power to make his birthday the best 25th ever. I secretly flew in his mother from MD with the help of his sisters. Went to Disneyland with her and the boys. I threw a surprise party with 45 people there that had been praying for him. Little did we know that he would get his diagnoses just 2 months later.
While his mom was there he had developed a cyst at the bottom of his spine. It got infected and needed to be removed. The surgery was scheduled for the last week in February. He went in fine he came out sicker than a dog . Since I was the student nurse I got the lovely job of packing and cleaning the giant extra hole at the top of Robs butt. After a few days I realized that robs condition had worsened, something about his recovery was not right. He saw the surgeon a couple times and the surgeon was frustrated with the way the hole wasn't closing. A couple more weeks and more frustration. I was sitting in class one day going over what diabetes does to the central nervous system. It hit me like an anvil dropped on my head. I rushed home and asked him how many times he'd gone to the bathroom in the last hour. "3 or 4"
How much water have you drunk today? "6 of these" when I counted, the amount of water was 3 gallons. Are you still thirsty? "yeah it won't go away". Your really sick Rob I need to take you to the ER. When we had gotten to the ER and they triaged him I tried so hard not to cry when he stood on the scale and he had lost almost 35 lbs in the 3 weeks since his surgery. I look back now and remember how ashamed he was when both of us and the bed would be soaked because of night sweats and I'd have to change the sheets almost every morning. They did a bunch of tests and the doctor comes in and says "dude you have diabetes" he looked at me and said "mam if you had waited any longer you could have been a widow". Nothing prepares you for the reaction on your husbands face when he hears that his worse nightmare has just become a reality.
This I just the first part of the journey but why am I writing it now? Because Rob hung up his shirt right? He thought he'd never get to the point where he could work full-time ever again. He starts his first full time job in almost 5 years this next week. I look at him and he's more than just a man to me He's the one God gave me to love through sickness and health. I think the hardest part of the story has yet to come. I guess you'll have to check back in to find out how Rob got from the ER to the interview he had today.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
There are no Orphans of God.....
I know it's been a while since I last Blogged. This time I'd like to go into a little more detail about how God is changing our hearts and minds about our Calling. Where are we and what is Children's Bible Ministry?
What is Children's Bible ministry and why do we love it so much? The time it got started was when prayer was taken out of schools. A man in Florida was burdened and started getting school districts to allow "Release Time" which is where they take kids out of school for an hour once a week to hear a bible lesson and learn about Jesus. From Florida "Release time" moved up the east coast. In the 70s CBM opened the first Summer camp in Florida. This gave the kids from "Release Time" opportunities to leave a secular home and praise the Lord for a whole week.
Since the 70s CBM has opened 7 camps here on the east coast.
Here is where we come in. There are 2 camps that are fairly new one in Virginia about a 2 hour drive and one in southwest Pennsylvania about 4 hours.
Rob has been developing a gift for repairing and building things. The SW Pennsylvania camp has only been running Since 2010 and still needs Full Time missionary staff and one need being facility upkeep. Virginia is also in need of Full- time staff but what the needs are? We are not sure yet.
Why have we fallen in love with them? Because of their mission and the new lives they give these kids. They are going after this generation as young as 5 and someone has to because a lot of these kids are raising themselves. Having 11 children come to know the Lord in just 4 months with our club in our home, has given us a taste of a ministry that we want to be a part of for the rest of our lives.
What happened to Sierra Leone?
Well it's still there duh! Just kidding we love africa, always will and we would love to go back. God however has revealed to us a couple things that kind of have shown us that He had a different plan all along. However short term trips are not out of the equation. A major one is that we have discovered that Ahna has a gluten sensitivity. If we were to go over seas full time it would be very difficult to get food over there that she can eat and her nutrition would be a difficult obstacle to over come.
The other one is that I studied nursing in a California and it will take me a lot of money to get my license here. I could already have it but if I had gotten it I would have had to change my license again in a year or so when and where ever we may serve. I guess you can say God is saving us about 400 dollars.
What's the process like?
There is the application and resume.
Then after the state board approves it there is an interview with them. Then our file is sent to the national office in Tennessee where they approve us for Candidate School. Which is a week in Tennessee getting us ready for service and support raising. Candidate school is going to be held in October this year and we're praying that everything will be approved so we can be there.
So somethings you can pray about:
1)Ahna's gluten free adjustment.
2) that Rob's job he was offered a month ago starts soon.
3) that God guides us through this application process.
4) be praying that the Lord lays on your heart churches that may want to be partners in sending us. (they will be contacted only after we have the approval to start building our support.
What is Children's Bible ministry and why do we love it so much? The time it got started was when prayer was taken out of schools. A man in Florida was burdened and started getting school districts to allow "Release Time" which is where they take kids out of school for an hour once a week to hear a bible lesson and learn about Jesus. From Florida "Release time" moved up the east coast. In the 70s CBM opened the first Summer camp in Florida. This gave the kids from "Release Time" opportunities to leave a secular home and praise the Lord for a whole week.
Since the 70s CBM has opened 7 camps here on the east coast.
Here is where we come in. There are 2 camps that are fairly new one in Virginia about a 2 hour drive and one in southwest Pennsylvania about 4 hours.
Rob has been developing a gift for repairing and building things. The SW Pennsylvania camp has only been running Since 2010 and still needs Full Time missionary staff and one need being facility upkeep. Virginia is also in need of Full- time staff but what the needs are? We are not sure yet.
Why have we fallen in love with them? Because of their mission and the new lives they give these kids. They are going after this generation as young as 5 and someone has to because a lot of these kids are raising themselves. Having 11 children come to know the Lord in just 4 months with our club in our home, has given us a taste of a ministry that we want to be a part of for the rest of our lives.
What happened to Sierra Leone?
Well it's still there duh! Just kidding we love africa, always will and we would love to go back. God however has revealed to us a couple things that kind of have shown us that He had a different plan all along. However short term trips are not out of the equation. A major one is that we have discovered that Ahna has a gluten sensitivity. If we were to go over seas full time it would be very difficult to get food over there that she can eat and her nutrition would be a difficult obstacle to over come.
The other one is that I studied nursing in a California and it will take me a lot of money to get my license here. I could already have it but if I had gotten it I would have had to change my license again in a year or so when and where ever we may serve. I guess you can say God is saving us about 400 dollars.
What's the process like?
There is the application and resume.
Then after the state board approves it there is an interview with them. Then our file is sent to the national office in Tennessee where they approve us for Candidate School. Which is a week in Tennessee getting us ready for service and support raising. Candidate school is going to be held in October this year and we're praying that everything will be approved so we can be there.
So somethings you can pray about:
1)Ahna's gluten free adjustment.
2) that Rob's job he was offered a month ago starts soon.
3) that God guides us through this application process.
4) be praying that the Lord lays on your heart churches that may want to be partners in sending us. (they will be contacted only after we have the approval to start building our support.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
" This little light of mine"
It's time to cure the blogging itch and let everyone know what has happened to my family. God has blessed us so much and what I am going to write will seem contradicting to that statement! When Rob had surgery in October we fell behind in rent a couple months. A few weeks ago Rob was told he no longer had a job due to his boss wanting to keep the work in the family. And due to this and our past due rent we were evicted. Ok there was the blow now let me back up a few weeks and start in on the blessings.
A few weeks earlier I announced to my Sunday school class that 11 children had made decisions for christ. They have supported us in this endeavor in prayer since the beginning. That next week we got a call from Children's Bible Ministry (kids club people) saying they want to talk to us about serving with them full time as missionaries. If we take a position it will be at a kids camp. Rob would be head of facility care. Rob and I had both become equally animated about the opportunity which was the first time. He always had hesitations with the other opportunities. There was no hesitation with this one. We have prayed and we had my Sunday school class start praying. All the while a thought a pastor put in my heart years ago came to mind "Be ready to go, but be willing to stay". So we started considering this and we still believe that God has put Africa on hearts for a reason. Although it maybe farther in the future. Sierra Leonne is a desire of my heart but I will be content with serving short term for now. Also I am happy with the feeling that this time it's both of us feeling the Call to the same place equally.
The Blow hit us 2 weeks or so after this. When I told my Sunday school class to pray I was told Satan doesn't want us going anywhere for the Lord and he'll do anything to prevent us from going. My teacher looked at me and said "this is just a speed bump on the road to the field don't let this be more than what it is because Satan wants to derail you from your Journey."
That day saying came to me from a missionary speaker "the bigger the trial the more Glorious the Victory!". My class then surrounded me in prayer and after studying more about Paul they stood in line to embrace me. My class had lifted my burden that day. I felt home even though technically I was almost homeless. The next week I started working and wasn't able to attend church and they had taken a love offering for my family. 20 women gave us 450$ dollars. I never felt that kind of love before. That's the church folks!!!!! I have amazing sisters and when they commission us out when that day comes its going to be the biggest party Halethorpe has ever seen.
Where are we now?
Physically we are staying at Roberts mothers house. I am working with 2 families now doing nanny work. They are broken families that I am happy To go in with my light shining. Rob has been offered a job but we aren't sure when it will start. Hopefully in the next few weeks. God knew this was going to happen way before we did. And He puts us where he wants us. We have remained faithful and are excited about where He is going to lead us to start a new kids club. Continue to pray for us God is just getting started with our blessings. Satan is playing us hard and we know he will as long we are doing what God wants us to. We are letting Him lead and in doing so he reveals himself to us in little ways through out the day to tell us He's there.
How can you pray?
Pray for our decision making with (CBM)
Pray robs job will start soon so we can be in a new house before the heat of summer hits.
Pray for the children I watch they are my mission field right now.
Pray for me and seperation anxiety from Jason, oh he's fine he could care less that I'm working, but me I need to adjust to being away from him. Thank you all for your support and prayers but know that we are allowing ourselves to be led and we are listening not just praying. Love you all and miss most of you!
meg
A few weeks earlier I announced to my Sunday school class that 11 children had made decisions for christ. They have supported us in this endeavor in prayer since the beginning. That next week we got a call from Children's Bible Ministry (kids club people) saying they want to talk to us about serving with them full time as missionaries. If we take a position it will be at a kids camp. Rob would be head of facility care. Rob and I had both become equally animated about the opportunity which was the first time. He always had hesitations with the other opportunities. There was no hesitation with this one. We have prayed and we had my Sunday school class start praying. All the while a thought a pastor put in my heart years ago came to mind "Be ready to go, but be willing to stay". So we started considering this and we still believe that God has put Africa on hearts for a reason. Although it maybe farther in the future. Sierra Leonne is a desire of my heart but I will be content with serving short term for now. Also I am happy with the feeling that this time it's both of us feeling the Call to the same place equally.
The Blow hit us 2 weeks or so after this. When I told my Sunday school class to pray I was told Satan doesn't want us going anywhere for the Lord and he'll do anything to prevent us from going. My teacher looked at me and said "this is just a speed bump on the road to the field don't let this be more than what it is because Satan wants to derail you from your Journey."
That day saying came to me from a missionary speaker "the bigger the trial the more Glorious the Victory!". My class then surrounded me in prayer and after studying more about Paul they stood in line to embrace me. My class had lifted my burden that day. I felt home even though technically I was almost homeless. The next week I started working and wasn't able to attend church and they had taken a love offering for my family. 20 women gave us 450$ dollars. I never felt that kind of love before. That's the church folks!!!!! I have amazing sisters and when they commission us out when that day comes its going to be the biggest party Halethorpe has ever seen.
Where are we now?
Physically we are staying at Roberts mothers house. I am working with 2 families now doing nanny work. They are broken families that I am happy To go in with my light shining. Rob has been offered a job but we aren't sure when it will start. Hopefully in the next few weeks. God knew this was going to happen way before we did. And He puts us where he wants us. We have remained faithful and are excited about where He is going to lead us to start a new kids club. Continue to pray for us God is just getting started with our blessings. Satan is playing us hard and we know he will as long we are doing what God wants us to. We are letting Him lead and in doing so he reveals himself to us in little ways through out the day to tell us He's there.
How can you pray?
Pray for our decision making with (CBM)
Pray robs job will start soon so we can be in a new house before the heat of summer hits.
Pray for the children I watch they are my mission field right now.
Pray for me and seperation anxiety from Jason, oh he's fine he could care less that I'm working, but me I need to adjust to being away from him. Thank you all for your support and prayers but know that we are allowing ourselves to be led and we are listening not just praying. Love you all and miss most of you!
meg
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
"And step by step you'll lead me"
...And I will follow you all of my days"
I think this is my 3rd cold this winter and I'm getting really frustrated. It's made me think about warmer climates. What will it be like to live in an area of the world where it's between 65 & 85 all the time, all year around. I'm thinking about Sierra Leone more and more. The Lord is deffinately making this burden greater. I have started having the mind frame that I am not suppose to be here. Wether it's Africa or not working for the Lord is all I want to do. Oh I know I need to work, but I can't help but read about efforts around the world. Than I wonder when is it going to be me. When are you going to use these hands Lord, that I have committed to you for the rest of life?I think it's harder knowing what your suppose to do with your life and having to wait to do it, than not knowing at all. I itch with it all, I get so anxious. I also know that it God's timing and I have to be patient. I have to take it step by step. He will lead me and I am learning what trusting in Him really means. I think that I know where my heart is but my mind has been in turmoil. My realization is that Satan is the king of discouragement. Our doubt, our debates has been what for? Discouragement! It's time to have an understanding of what is my mind getting in the way of my Calling. Faith and Trust that nothing is impossible with God needs to be my crutch!
Lord take my hands and use them for you, here and where ever you are sending me! Give me the stamina to do what you want me to do, for my health, for a job, for my walk with you and for our calling to serve you. Amen
I think this is my 3rd cold this winter and I'm getting really frustrated. It's made me think about warmer climates. What will it be like to live in an area of the world where it's between 65 & 85 all the time, all year around. I'm thinking about Sierra Leone more and more. The Lord is deffinately making this burden greater. I have started having the mind frame that I am not suppose to be here. Wether it's Africa or not working for the Lord is all I want to do. Oh I know I need to work, but I can't help but read about efforts around the world. Than I wonder when is it going to be me. When are you going to use these hands Lord, that I have committed to you for the rest of life?I think it's harder knowing what your suppose to do with your life and having to wait to do it, than not knowing at all. I itch with it all, I get so anxious. I also know that it God's timing and I have to be patient. I have to take it step by step. He will lead me and I am learning what trusting in Him really means. I think that I know where my heart is but my mind has been in turmoil. My realization is that Satan is the king of discouragement. Our doubt, our debates has been what for? Discouragement! It's time to have an understanding of what is my mind getting in the way of my Calling. Faith and Trust that nothing is impossible with God needs to be my crutch!
Lord take my hands and use them for you, here and where ever you are sending me! Give me the stamina to do what you want me to do, for my health, for a job, for my walk with you and for our calling to serve you. Amen
Sunday, January 29, 2012
"We were made to be Courageous"
We were made to be courageous!
In church today we heard a missionary speak today about 4 things we need to carry with us as we journey through life.
So here is my take on what I heard!
#1 Our Christian Legacy
One of the examples the preacher gave was Charles Wesley. This man wrote many of our Hymns that we sing today. I read a biography on his mother and remember them talking about how she would throw her apron over her head to have alone time with God. When that apron was over her head everyone knew to leave her alone. She had 19 children but only 9 survived to adulthood. It's amazing to me that he got to grow up in a such a house where Charles saw his mother retreat to God everyday no matter the struggles they faced. Taking what he saw everyday he once told someone that God burdened him to write ten lines of praise everyday. He did this everyday for 50 years and in doing so completed over 3,000 hymns. What a legacy that over 300 years later we still are singing his hymns.
Are we doing enough as parents that our children will turn to the Lord and serve Him in everything they do? Are we leading by example to serve the Lord in everything we do? Not only that but can people around us tell that we are different?
#2Pride in our Father
I can't remember what the preacher called #2 but this is what I view what he was telling us. We have this heritage we want to have and pass around to those around us. How do we do this ?by surrounding ourselves with Him. What books do we read? What music do we listen to? I like what he called himself "A world Christian". What he meant is every time any kind of news brief or outside influence is in the home he asks himself 1 of 2 questions. Where can I see God in this situation ? or How can I pray that God makes himself known in this situation?
Are we doing that ? Are we praying for our president and politicians every time they come on TV? Do we pray for the deadly car accident on the news? You understand what I'm getting at don't you? Jesus was in constant communication with God and he always knew what God wanted him to do even if he wasn't comfortable doing it. Now that He set as free from the bondage of sin we have access to that same type of relationship and that is totally awesome to me and a goal of mine. That in every situation I go to him first. The music we listen to , the literature we read and the shows we watch on TV help in starting that state of mind.
#3 No Fear Got God
As Christians the Bible says that living a life for Christ is difficult, that temptations are much more and trials are much more. I know that's because Satin is ever present and he hates that we are God's children. Life is scary and God is ever testing our limits. Fear is everywhere but we do with that fear is what matters. The Greek word for fear is actually more closely translated to the meaning of the word cowardes. What is the opposite of that? Yes courage. Here is my new meaning behind the phrase "Fearing the Lord". Having the understanding that without the Lord we fear and are cowards, but when we have the Lord yes we have fears especially of the unknown but we can be courageous.
#4 Just Do It!!!!!!!
Yeah I think this phrase says it all, but let me explain why this hit me in between the eyes this morning! Rob and I know where we are suppose to be headed and what our purpose is. God took this phrase and screamed it in my ear because I think we've been using everything that's been going on to distract us from His purpose. I can tell you now that we'll be working on that over the next few weeks. We need to be persistent for the Lost. Yeah I have a kids club in my home once a week where 11 children have prayed with me and asked God to lead their lives. At times it humbles me but part of me wants to do more because it's not enough. God has given me a burden like Charles Wesley. I just need to do it!!!! No more putting everything on hold just because of our insecurities.
Time to have faith in my heavenly Father, stand up and be courageous while I take my legacy and be persistent about sharing it with the Lost.
In church today we heard a missionary speak today about 4 things we need to carry with us as we journey through life.
So here is my take on what I heard!
#1 Our Christian Legacy
One of the examples the preacher gave was Charles Wesley. This man wrote many of our Hymns that we sing today. I read a biography on his mother and remember them talking about how she would throw her apron over her head to have alone time with God. When that apron was over her head everyone knew to leave her alone. She had 19 children but only 9 survived to adulthood. It's amazing to me that he got to grow up in a such a house where Charles saw his mother retreat to God everyday no matter the struggles they faced. Taking what he saw everyday he once told someone that God burdened him to write ten lines of praise everyday. He did this everyday for 50 years and in doing so completed over 3,000 hymns. What a legacy that over 300 years later we still are singing his hymns.
Are we doing enough as parents that our children will turn to the Lord and serve Him in everything they do? Are we leading by example to serve the Lord in everything we do? Not only that but can people around us tell that we are different?
#2Pride in our Father
I can't remember what the preacher called #2 but this is what I view what he was telling us. We have this heritage we want to have and pass around to those around us. How do we do this ?by surrounding ourselves with Him. What books do we read? What music do we listen to? I like what he called himself "A world Christian". What he meant is every time any kind of news brief or outside influence is in the home he asks himself 1 of 2 questions. Where can I see God in this situation ? or How can I pray that God makes himself known in this situation?
Are we doing that ? Are we praying for our president and politicians every time they come on TV? Do we pray for the deadly car accident on the news? You understand what I'm getting at don't you? Jesus was in constant communication with God and he always knew what God wanted him to do even if he wasn't comfortable doing it. Now that He set as free from the bondage of sin we have access to that same type of relationship and that is totally awesome to me and a goal of mine. That in every situation I go to him first. The music we listen to , the literature we read and the shows we watch on TV help in starting that state of mind.
#3 No Fear Got God
As Christians the Bible says that living a life for Christ is difficult, that temptations are much more and trials are much more. I know that's because Satin is ever present and he hates that we are God's children. Life is scary and God is ever testing our limits. Fear is everywhere but we do with that fear is what matters. The Greek word for fear is actually more closely translated to the meaning of the word cowardes. What is the opposite of that? Yes courage. Here is my new meaning behind the phrase "Fearing the Lord". Having the understanding that without the Lord we fear and are cowards, but when we have the Lord yes we have fears especially of the unknown but we can be courageous.
#4 Just Do It!!!!!!!
Yeah I think this phrase says it all, but let me explain why this hit me in between the eyes this morning! Rob and I know where we are suppose to be headed and what our purpose is. God took this phrase and screamed it in my ear because I think we've been using everything that's been going on to distract us from His purpose. I can tell you now that we'll be working on that over the next few weeks. We need to be persistent for the Lost. Yeah I have a kids club in my home once a week where 11 children have prayed with me and asked God to lead their lives. At times it humbles me but part of me wants to do more because it's not enough. God has given me a burden like Charles Wesley. I just need to do it!!!! No more putting everything on hold just because of our insecurities.
Time to have faith in my heavenly Father, stand up and be courageous while I take my legacy and be persistent about sharing it with the Lost.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
" I will serve you while I'm waiting" continued
I am so excited that I just figured out how to blog on my I phone. We are still out a computer but now I feel back in the loop. I now feel I need to update you on our journey to the field.
So I decided that if I'm going to serve the Lord on the field,I need to make some changes in my life. So we have kind of put things on hold. A few months ago when Rob was going through all his stuff with his hernias. I slipped on some stairs and twisted my knee. It still bothers me a lot especially in this cold weather. I know that I am way over weight. I never felt it though. I always looked in the mirror and always saw someone fatter than I felt. When we first got to Maryland I was able to run up the stairs. Now since I hurt my knee I feel like an old lady going up and down the stairs. I am starting to feel the affects of my weight for the first time in my life. I now feel every pound every time I take a step, get up from a chair, climb a stair, etc. I came to the realization, how am I suppose to work for the Lord in another country if it hurts to climb stairs? I asked myself what am I doing to myself? I decided to do something about it.
I dont have the 300$ that my mother and others I know are spend a month to loose weight, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I made an appointment to see a doctor. One of the things she suggested was seeing a counselor to see if we can figure out what my relationship with food is and see if we can find another way of coping with stress. Everybody has coping mechanisms and I've discovered that when I am stressed is when I can easily pack on 30 or 40 pounds in a few months. So now I am on a new journey with my therapist. Most people would be like "Meg why are you sharing this? This is personal". Yeah it is but everyone can see that I have a weight problem. I want you all to know that I know I have a problem. There is a lot of women that are big like me and are comfortable with themselves and can feel beautiful and they are beautiful. Me however I am not comfortable in my own skin. That and i no longer feel beautiful and wonder how anyone can view me as such. I am also ready to do something about it. I know that God views me as beautiful but I think it hurts Him to see me hurt. As far as the therapist goes he's helped more than I ever expected. He's asked Rob and I to come In and unload. Which is something we would normally do with a pastor but we don't have one right now. I told him I was scared to write everything down that's happened to us in these last 8 years. When we started to tell our story he was astonished that with what all we've been through. He said he hasn't seen this many trials in any 1 marriage before. That and he probably wouldn't see this many trials in a marriage of 50 years or so. He said you need to decompress "how many people are in your life out side of family that know about everything that's happened to you? I think you need to unload and just have someone to listen". I can't tell you how refreshing that is to hear. Someone to listen? I feel like this could really help. Who knows maybe I'll write a book. God is already revealing a lot to me about the heart of my weight problem! I am however taking one step at a time. You may not see me loose any for a while but we'll see. The motivation is slowly building. Do me a favor don't pity me just smile and say "That's honesty" and then pray for me. Missions is not happening until I can take action for myself and get myself healthier!
So I decided that if I'm going to serve the Lord on the field,I need to make some changes in my life. So we have kind of put things on hold. A few months ago when Rob was going through all his stuff with his hernias. I slipped on some stairs and twisted my knee. It still bothers me a lot especially in this cold weather. I know that I am way over weight. I never felt it though. I always looked in the mirror and always saw someone fatter than I felt. When we first got to Maryland I was able to run up the stairs. Now since I hurt my knee I feel like an old lady going up and down the stairs. I am starting to feel the affects of my weight for the first time in my life. I now feel every pound every time I take a step, get up from a chair, climb a stair, etc. I came to the realization, how am I suppose to work for the Lord in another country if it hurts to climb stairs? I asked myself what am I doing to myself? I decided to do something about it.
I dont have the 300$ that my mother and others I know are spend a month to loose weight, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I made an appointment to see a doctor. One of the things she suggested was seeing a counselor to see if we can figure out what my relationship with food is and see if we can find another way of coping with stress. Everybody has coping mechanisms and I've discovered that when I am stressed is when I can easily pack on 30 or 40 pounds in a few months. So now I am on a new journey with my therapist. Most people would be like "Meg why are you sharing this? This is personal". Yeah it is but everyone can see that I have a weight problem. I want you all to know that I know I have a problem. There is a lot of women that are big like me and are comfortable with themselves and can feel beautiful and they are beautiful. Me however I am not comfortable in my own skin. That and i no longer feel beautiful and wonder how anyone can view me as such. I am also ready to do something about it. I know that God views me as beautiful but I think it hurts Him to see me hurt. As far as the therapist goes he's helped more than I ever expected. He's asked Rob and I to come In and unload. Which is something we would normally do with a pastor but we don't have one right now. I told him I was scared to write everything down that's happened to us in these last 8 years. When we started to tell our story he was astonished that with what all we've been through. He said he hasn't seen this many trials in any 1 marriage before. That and he probably wouldn't see this many trials in a marriage of 50 years or so. He said you need to decompress "how many people are in your life out side of family that know about everything that's happened to you? I think you need to unload and just have someone to listen". I can't tell you how refreshing that is to hear. Someone to listen? I feel like this could really help. Who knows maybe I'll write a book. God is already revealing a lot to me about the heart of my weight problem! I am however taking one step at a time. You may not see me loose any for a while but we'll see. The motivation is slowly building. Do me a favor don't pity me just smile and say "That's honesty" and then pray for me. Missions is not happening until I can take action for myself and get myself healthier!
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